Dating and Courtship
Our culture bombards us with hedonistic messages promoting selfishness and self-gratification in everything, including dating. Most people today presume dating is a form of recreation, aiming to stir up sexual desires, and dressing and acting immodestly in order to “get” someone… to “score.” It’s like a sport! We feel it’s important to counter that with a Catholic understanding of dating: a time to develop a strong, pure, and honest friendship with a person who will help lead you toward God, discerning if this person might be the one you could marry. In order to do that, however, you have to surround yourselves with like-minded people, with good friends who will help keep you accountable in your pursuit of the true, the good, and the beautiful. Above all, you must be solidly grounded in your faith and maintain a good prayer life.
Fortunately, there is a growing interest amongst young people in living chaste lives. For example, the Pure Love Club is a chastity outreach program of Jason and Crystalina Evert, and they speak to a hundred thousand teens every year about “romance without regret” and “dating with purpose and purity.” Christian music reflects this trend as well, in songs such as Rebecca St. James’ “Wait for Me.” And there are lots of books available as well—it’s overwhelming! We tried to outline some of the information for our Drop of Clear Water members so that they could continue in their commitment to prayer, charity, and chastity.
Dating relationships must be built on authentic and honest friendship, and people need to see others as brothers and sisters in Christ. It’s warped to lust after a brother or sister, right? Communication skills are essential in all relationships, and we have lots of opportunities to practice communicating on a daily basis. Good relationships demand honesty. We played a game where several teens disclosed “two truths and a lie.” The rest of the kids guessed as to which of the stated “facts” were untrue. They were attentive to the cues that tipped them off, such as lack of eye contact, fidgiting, manner of speaking, etc. The point of the exercise was to stress the importance of honesty, both in self-disclosure, as well as being able to “see” when someone’s lying. People try to impress each other, especially when dating. We need to practice telling the truth, listening to the truth, and recognizing lies. Teens often crave committed relationships, and will try to believe anything in order to justify compromising his or her standards of behavior.
People are also “blinded by love.” Pope John Paul II called this sentimentality, where we might idealize and exaggerate a person’s value and downplay their faults. Feelings make us avoid asking important questions, such as does your love-interest really have the virtues and qualities you are looking for? Are they worthy of your trust? Feelings can’t be the primary criterion for discerning the truth about a person, or evaluating a relationship. Unchecked sentimentality ends in great disillusionment.
When dating someone, you need to ask yourself, “could this be my future spouse?” We recommended doing charitable work together, so that you could see how generous the other person is, and how they deal with the needy. We also advised them to observe how they treat their family members and friends, as this is a good indicator of how that person will treat you. Understand the other’s spiritual values and cultural values by sharing your faith lives, attending concerts and plays, and reading together. These activities give you an opportunity to have intellectually stimulating conversation and help avoid the temptation to get physical. We also stressed the importance to avoid the occasion of sin! It’s not wrong to be attracted to someone, but you cannot indulge your passions or your imagination. Again, direct your desires toward the true, good, and beautiful.
The two extremes are hedonism, which is giving in to all sexual temptation (“whatever makes you happy”) and prudery, which rejects all sensual pleasures (“sex is bad, the body is bad, etc.”) Modesty and chastity is NOT prudery—it is proper balance and sanity! As the saying goes at Fransciscan University, “Modest is Hottest!” Living life this way will bring you peace and joy… “romance without regret.”
The fullness of love is looking outward toward one’s beloved and seeking what is best for that person, not just what is good for oneself. Ti voglio bene! I want what is good for you.
A Drop of Clear Water is a lay support group for Catholic teens. Our goal is to bring together teens who love their faith, are committed to chastity, and are ready to explore the wonder and beauty of Catholicism.